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    Posted in: Uncategorized
    Tags: Do Tell, Melissa Tapper Goldman, Salon, Sexuality, Shame, Subjectified

    Excerpted from “The Cost of Sexual Shame,” an interview with Subjectified creator Melissa Tapper Goldman on Salon.com:

    The cost of sexual shame
    A new blog encourages women to share stories about their sexuality in hopes of making sex better for everyone

    At a time when a twerking, tongue-wagging Miley Cyrus can dominate several news cycles, it might not seem that sex is lacking for attention — but a new blog, Do Tell, is trying to get people to talk even more about it. The aim, though, is to get women to share the kind of honest, uncensored personal stories that are too often ignored in our sex-saturated culture.

    Do Tell is the brainchild of Melissa Tapper Goldman and a virtual continuation of her documentary “Subjectified: Nine Women Talk About Sex.” Both projects are concerned with what Tapper Goldman calls “the cost of shame” — in other words, the harm that is done by stigmatizing women’s sexual experiences and encouraging silence. The stories that have been published thus far on Do Tell show the vast range of women’s experiences. ”An explosive orgasm?” asks a 23-year-old woman from Massachusetts. ”Maybe I’ve gotten it once from a guy, but mostly I can only give them to myself.” “K.S.” from Minnesota writes, ”He took the time to really feel and understand my body, giving me the most numbing and mind-blowing orgasms I had ever had at the point (my body literally went numb from the pleasure).” There are a disproportionate number of tales about sexual pain and abuse: ”I was molested at 12 by a friend’s older brother,” writes “C,” a 42-year-old from Chicago. “I didn’t understand it to be sex, just weird that he would hold me on his lap and tickle me.”

    I spoke with Tapper Goldman about how “shame causes cancer,” the impact of sexual silence on men and where to draw the line between honesty and over-sharing.

    So what exactly is “the cost of shame”?

    It’s not a surprise that sex in American culture is associated with shame and stigma. But in my work, I’ve found that we’re slow to acknowledge the real, direct toll this takes on our lives. Silence is not just an absence of input — it actually creates an environment of shame. We cultivate stigma when we avoid the topic of sex. So we find ourselves in a strange position where sexuality is part of all of our lives, it’s all over pop culture and media. But at the same time, authentic, diverse expressions of real sexuality, particularly women’s, are nowhere to be found in media. When we’re so pointedly not talking about sex in our own lives, those skewed media depictions take on even more influence. It’s like if all we knew about lunch was what we learned in Subway ads.

    You don’t have to be a feminist, or even a woman, to care about the cost of shame — this is an issue that directly impacts anyone who has sex or thinks about sex or might someday have sex. So what do we lose when we can’t talk about sex openly? For one, shame gets in the way of actually enjoying our sex lives, which I feel totally indignant about. But there are other more lethal costs, like so many women not believing that their experiences or health or even consent really matter to other people. How comfortable do we make it for an 18-year-old in Mississippi to ask her doctor for birth control or her pharmacist for Plan B if she chooses to have sex? A friend of mine in her late 20s asked me to accompany her to a cervical biopsy after a nurse made her feel humiliated for having contracted a sexually transmitted infection. And we wonder why pap smear follow-up rates are under 50 percent! At that point, it’s not a stretch to say that shame causes cancer.

    One of my best friends was raped by an ex-boyfriend when she was 17. She had no idea how to talk to me about it, and I had no idea how to really listen or support her. To this day, I’m horrified to think that my reaction added to her feeling of shame and isolation. Bearing in mind the staggering statistic of one in four women raped in her lifetime, how many rape survivors feel comfortable talking about their experiences or seeking much-needed support? Sex and rape are most definitely not the same thing, but the shame that many people experience after rape, that’s our sex stigma in action.

    Luckily, it just doesn’t have to be this way. We can make another choice to be open about sexuality in our relationships, romantic and platonic. That’s true for people who are sexually active as well as those who choose not to be. Speaking up about sex in all its complexity is one of the few effective ways to push back against the cruel and unfair expectation of silence. That’s why I made “Subjectified” and why I recently created Do Tell.

    READ ON AT SALON.COM where the interview originally appeared on November 9, 2013

    26DEC
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    DO TELL: November 2013 share your stories! Interactive storytelling campaign with Subjectified

    Posted in: Uncategorized

    Do Tell

    is a story-sharing tumblr, an extension of the documentary Subjectified: Nine Young Women Talk about Sex. Throughout November 2013, we invite you to submit your own stories about sexuality: Your sexual history, beliefs, experiences, confusions, turning points. Please share a story about your sexual self, up to 350 words.

    Why? Because we live in a sex-saturated culture with precious little honest and authentic discussion of sexuality. Because speaking our truths, with all their complications and imperfections and beauty, challenges a culture of shame that impacts us every day. Because our voices and our histories matter.

    Some questions to get you inspired:

    How did you learn about sex? What did your parents teach you? Your school?

    What was your first sexual experience like?

    What do you like best about sex? What do you like least?

    Have you been in a violent or unwanted sexual situation?

    When have you felt the most happy with your sexuality?

    Has anything ever happened in your sex life that you were ashamed of, regretted, or didn’t feel comfortable talking about?

    If you have sex, what are you looking to get out of it? Was this different in the past?

    Your story is important. DO TELL!

    30OCT
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    Subjectified profiled at the Viral Media Lab

    Posted in: Uncategorized

    In-depth interview with Subjectified creator Melissa Tapper Goldman via the Viral Media Lab!

     

    vmlab: What is your primary impulse for producing this documentary?

    I wanted to increase compassion and understanding among women around the country, especially toward people whose experiences with sex and sexuality are different from our own. With the myths or archetypes that are reinforced by pop culture (and Reality TV in particular), most of us suffer from seriously misunderstanding other people’s motives and behaviors when it comes to sex, reproduction, sexuality, and sexual health. This mutual skepticism and disregard, especially among women, keeps us from addressing the bigger questions getting in the way of our well-being.

    26FEB
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    Want to spend VDay in the best conversations with your best friends, learning to show each other the BEST support when it comes to sex and sexuality?

    Posted in: Uncategorized

    Connect on tumblr, twitter or facebook in answer to this question: who’s a FRIEND who you LOVE this VDay and why?

     
    In honor of One Billion Rising, the VDay movement opposing violence against women, we want to give away a Subjectified DVD and discussion guide. For February 14, One Billion Rising encourages people to plan their own “rising,” do-it-yourself activism, be it a flash mob, Vagina Monologues performance, or a speak-out. We want to help you create your activism at home with a cozy movie night with your besties, doing something so simple and yet so powerful that you might ruffle some feathers even mentioning it: talking about sex and sexuality. If so inspired, you can also share photos or video your Rising with the movement!  If we get 25 responses (facebook, twitter, tumblr), we’ll send one of you some Subjectified LOVE.
     

    Comment, tweet, or tag us on facebook in answer to this question: who’s a FRIEND who you LOVE this VDay and why?

    One line’ll do, but we’d love to hear about your friendship. Who is this wonderful person? Your sibling? Your friend from work or elementary school? And what’s a time that s/he helped you be your best self, get out of a tough situation, or get more in tune with your own wants/needs/values (inside the bedroom or out).
     

    We’ll pick a winner on Sunday.  Tag your friends who you want to watch with and get them to retweet so we can hit the 25.

    image

    8FEB
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    Powerful protests in India and telling a story in the right order

    Posted in: Uncategorized
    via Brown Girl Magazine on facebook

    We don’t know her name because it hasn’t been released. She is an anonymous ghost. Her murderers and rapists have names which the Indian government plans to circulate in hopes that the shame of having raped and murdered will contribute to their punishment. One of the assailants was even a minor. But as mass protests by emboldened women have pointed out, these perpetrators live in a culture of tolerance toward rape. Will the attackers even be ashamed?
     
    The news likes gruesome stories. We talk about the shooter or the rapist because the psychology is fascinating and incomprehensible. And in that space, we give our best attention to the worst people, turning away from those affected. She was in medical school. We have one less healer and one more anonymous ghost.
     
    A woman in New Delhi was riding a bus with her boyfriend, when the two were assaulted and she was gang raped and beaten with iron rods. She suffered severe brain damage and died in a hospital in Singapore where she’d been transported for advanced care. The bus had passed through five police checkpoints while the attack was occurring.
     
    Her attack caused an uproar and drew attention to a paralyzing culture of violence toward women in India, and as importantly, a legal system that does not bring justice to victims of sexual assault. The President’s son made a particularly contemptuous comment dismissing the protestors and their grievances. Around the same time, a 17-year-old girl killed herself after police pressured her to marry one of her gang rapists and withdraw the case against them. Protesters have taken to the streets, met with water cannons and tear gas from the police. But they are not ready to give up. Through this story, the international community has learned about street harassment and sexual assault that are prevalent for women in India, including rapes of women in police custody. Brazen comments by politicians have shown a vicious indifference, and a dismissal of those who would demand their rights. It’s not like the U.S. does so well on this front, either. Global rape cultures brutalize people of all genders and operate worldwide. We have a lot to learn from the Indian protesters.
     
    We’re talking about politicians and assailants. Lots of theories are being floated about why this culture of violence exists. The violence happens every day, but the new story is the protests, a voice of solidarity against abuses. This voice is getting relatively less coverage, for many of the usual reasons that news does not cover demonstrations. We have such protests in the U.S. as well, in the midst of a different but related culture of violence toward women and sexual minorities.
     
    She is being called “India’s Daughter,” placing symbolism where there was a real person. Her name is hidden why? Because she has anything to be ashamed of? Because it’s less important to humanize her than to point out her attackers? Whatever problems this disgusting event points to, it won’t be solved with any amount of punishment until we can agree that women are full people and should be treated as such. I can’t claim to understand the cultural differences that motivate protecting her identity, but I do know that unless we look the aggrieved straight in the eye and acknowledge them as the protagonists in their own drama, we have plenty far to go. Let’s read more about the protests, the bravery, and the lives of the people pushing through this global culture of violence toward something better. Make sure you’ve got your protagonists straight.

    2JAN
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    New Posts! Q&A with Melissa Tapper Goldman from Adios Barbie

    Posted in: Uncategorized
    Tags: Body Image, Melissa Tapper Goldman, real sexuality, Subjectified

    We’ve had lots of fantastic coverage all around the internet in recent weeks! I’ll re-post some favorites over the next few weeks. To start with, here’s an excerpt from a really fun Q&A I did with Emma Shakarshy, a writer for the fantastic body image blog, Adios Barbie.   /Melissa
     
     

     

    ES: Your film aims to answer the question, “What would real stories of female sexuality sound like?” Why is it so important that we hear those stories?

    MTG: Real stories are so liberating. They show us that reality doesn’t match up to what you see on TV, and that this is totally normal and fine. In American culture, we place a lot of importance on being “normal,” especially when it comes to sex. The unrealistic, unattainable, white-centric model of sex that we see in entertainment media seeps into our notion of what’s acceptable. But real stories show us that different people have very different ways of experiencing sex and sexuality, in part because of their circumstances and in part because of their personalities.

    Sometimes we assume that sex means one specific thing, when really it means something different to each person (although our experiences are related to each other’s in important ways). Coming to respect our own experiences and perspectives is so important, and it’s not a message we often hear. Instead, media images tell us that we exist for the pleasure of someone else, that we’re decoration. Or worse, rape culture tells us that our consent or desire is irrelevant.

    We need to be the ones writing our own stories for our own sake, or else the stories will never reflect our lived realities. TV is there to sell ads, not to tell our stories. So we need to find other ways to communicate our stories, otherwise young women will keep feeling defective and keep trying to meet impossible standards. That might be good for a makeup company, but it’s not good for us.

    via Adios Barbie

    12DEC
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    Show us your love by sharing Subjectified!

    Posted in: Uncategorized
    Tags: cuteness, kitten, share, social media, Subjectified

    OK, many of you need some cheering up this week and others have been waiting for an excuse to “Share” Subjectified. Here we go. The kitten series begins, our gift to you. Share away!

     

     

     

     

    1NOV
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    The Worst Best First Kiss

    Posted in: Uncategorized

    By Melissa Tapper Goldman, cross-posted from the Huffington Post:

     
    I’m going to tell you my first kiss story. By the summer after eighth grade, my desperation for male attention had reached a fever pitch. It’s not that I was a late bloomer, but simply awkward in a way that still makes my face scrunch up when I think about it 18 years later. I had a lot of time on my hands without a boyfriend, and I used much of it to imagine in slow-mo how we would make out once I did manage to recruit any old guy. The bar was low. Having watched, enthralled, the then-new drama My So-Called Life, maybe I should have seen the seeds of discord. However, I was resolute. I wanted a Jordan Catalano for real, and I wasn’t going to be some wuss like Angela with all these personal boundaries and ideals…  Read on at Huff Post Women.

     

     

    18OCT
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    You know your voice is powerful when someone arrests you for it

    Posted in: Uncategorized
    Tags: Activism, censorship, Civil Rights, Punk, Pussy Riot, Russia, Testimony, Women's Voices

    I’ve had trouble finding the words to express my admiration of the brave women of the Russian punk band “Pussy Riot.” They were arrested for a 30-second prank performance criticizing President Vladimir Putin, and sentenced to two years in a penal colony.  I will let them speak for themselves, which is what I’m here to do.

    I do want to point out 1. These messages are much bigger than one country, and

    2. How do you know your voice is powerful?  When people want to silence you.  Ladies, take this to heart. Every time someone minimizes our experiences, every time someone tells us that our assaults were not “legitimate” or that we may not use the medical words for our own body parts in their presence, it is because

    our voices are powerful!

    Their arrest is proof in itself that they were doing something powerful.

    Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, “I don’t want to label anyone. It seems to me that there are no winners, losers, victims, or defendants here. We all simply need to reach each other, connect, and establish a dialogue in order to seek out the truth together.”

    Passion, total honesty, and naïveté are superior to the hypocrisy, mendacity, and false modesty that are used to disguise crime.

    …

    Every day, more people understand that if the system is attacking three young women who performed in the Cathedral of Christ the Savior for thirty seconds with such vehemence, it only means that this system fears the truth, sincerity, and straightforwardness we represent.

    …

    Yesterday, Madonna performed in Moscow with “Pussy Riot” written on her back. More and more people see that we are held here illegally, on false pretences. This amazes me. I am amazed that truth really does triumph over deception. Despite the fact that we are physically here, we are freer than everyone sitting across from us on the side of the prosecution. We can say anything we want and we say everything we want. The prosecution can only say what they are permitted to by political censorship. They can’t say “punk prayer,” “Our Lady, Chase Putin Out,” they can’t utter a single line of our punk prayer that deals with the political system.

    -Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, member of Russian punk band “Pussy Riot”

    10SEP
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    Why Non-Moms Still Can’t Have It All: Periods at work

    Posted in: Uncategorized
    Tags: Always Maze Ad, Anne-Marie Slaughter, Atlantic, cramps, disability, Gaslighting, menstruation, periods, PMS

    Having your period at work. Ladies (of a certain reproductive status), you know what I’m talking about.  This is not something that gets much airtime.  Why?

    1. People act grossed out by it, I guess. I honestly don’t know why

    2. When women are uncomfortable, we’re socialized not to let it become “someone else’s problem”

    3. Allegations of a hysterical “PMSing” woman are often used against us to delegitimize our reactions to things

    and the Anne-Marie Slaughter-style clincher

    4. Nobody wants to talk about the particular challenges that menstruating women face in the workplace, for all the expected reasons and some others

    Remember that one time that a pad advertisement used the color red? That was, apparently, a big deal. Periods, we’re told, freak people out.

     

    Men are obviously not going to bring it up.  And most often women don’t want to air our dirty laundry, so to speak, because we’re concerned with affirming our professionalism, legitimately scared that we’ll be barked out of the working world if we ask for reasonable accommodation (by way of insisting that we have a right to be treated fairly). It’s tantamount to saying that being a menstruating woman is a disability. Maybe it is, depending on how your define disability.

     

    Angela, my outreach intern, came into work one day looking tired and down.  I asked her what was wrong. She told me that she had her period and felt gross.  It was as uncomplicated as possible, like it ought to be: a simple exchange, followed by some compassion and some problem-solving so that we could find a way to make the workday more tolerable and effective, given her low-energy state.  That’s really all it took, because I’m lucky enough to have the flexibility to set the pace in my workday.  I know people who get such bad cramps that they throw up. I honestly don’t know what they do (especially without sick days).  I have friends who, as a rule and except in dire work circumstances, don’t even leave their apartments on the first day of their periods.  If I’d been a male boss (or a competitive and unsympathetic woman), Angela never would have told me what was up, and I would have wound up frustrated by her performance.  Sure, I would prefer for everyone to be 100% productive all the time, myself included, but that is not anybody’s reality, and Angela has lots of gifts that I’m grateful for (some of them that might actually come from her being a woman).  It’s hard to define what productivity even means. Should we all be buzzing around every day at the same frenetic wavelength, in the same mood?  This does not sound desirable.  There are moods when I’m better at writing, or better at working on spreadsheets, or organizing things, or being creative, and all of these tasks are required for my work.  Thank God I’m not always in the same mood.

     

    Most women can pop a pill and pretend the cramps aren’t happening, but at least for me, my body tells me to SLOW WAY DOWN when I get my period, and I will regret it 99% of the time if I blow that signal off.  But I’m super lucky because I have control over my schedule as well as a cycle that’s always been predictable.  Very few people have either of those strokes of luck. How much better would it be if we could just work at our actual physical capacity without feeling guilty about it (or trying to hide that reality from other people)?

     

    Freshman year in high school, I was desperate to get out of required sports practice, for no other reason than my hating it.  Cramps were an excuse you could manufacture every now and again (not necessarily during your period), as long as you weren’t stupid enough to claim it more than once a month.  I had a woman coach who told us to buck up and that running makes them go away (not my experience). I remember one 30-something male coach yelling over at me to pick up the pace.  “I have cramps! Can’t I just leave?” I asked, mostly because I knew this would make him uncomfortable enough to get me out of playing, the manipulative jerk I was at 14.  “OK,” he said, fumbling for some way to diffuse the awkwardness.  “Well, at least you’re not pregnant!” He fumbled. I was put in my place, and knew better than to blame him for my own embarrassment (although he probably could have gotten fired for saying that). This does not illustrate any of the best parts of human nature. And maybe that’s what people are worried about when they’d prefer women to feel shamed into minimizing our experiences–a fear that excuses will take us over and we’ll revert to our natural lazy and gossip-addled state. But when you have a job where you want to contribute and want to find ways to become productive, this is not a concern.  Let’s stop assuming that the normal state of people who face any challenge is to weasel our ways out of being contributing members of society.

     

    Women who have menstrual cycles know what it means to live on a calendar, to have times when we’re predictably sad, or energized, or aroused, or focused, and to be helpfully reminded that our minds and bodies are thoroughly interdependent.  It’s not that men’s minds and bodies are any less intertwined, for sure, but they aren’t forced to learn that lesson every month, to be reminded that you aren’t what you think, you aren’t what you’re feeling right now, and you can choose to do what you want to do with those thoughts or emotions.

     

    I recently grimaced my way through the (longest and?) most popular article in the history of the Atlantic, “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All,” which masterfully untangles at length many of the American workplace standards that are, frankly, unfair to mothers. But we’re impacted way beyond just motherhood.  Our reproductive status impacts us throughout our life cycles: in employment, living situations, federal benefits, and health insurance, to name a few.  We’re impacted at work and in the street while treated as objects of desire (or scorn), we’re impacted economically when we do or don’t become partnered, or mothers, or if we’re breastfeeding, and we’re unless we’re always pregnant like Michelle Duggar (or dealing with health situations that we’re also not encouraged to acknowledge at work), so many of us are impacted every month by a leaky, gooey mess, accompanied by cramps, nausea, headaches, downtown aches, the expense of pads or tampons, and yes, sometimes irritability.

     

    I’m good at a lot of things and not that good at a lot of others.  But like most adults, I’ve learned to work around the things that are hard for me.  Sometimes that requires ignoring my body and taking a painkiller when my period comes, but other times it means getting rest so that by the second day, I have enough energy to be productive.  Sometimes it means taking the opportunity to have an argument with my spouse that I’m usually in the mood to let fester (the hidden upside of “PMS”), and sometimes it means putting away my eagerness to pick an irrational fight that I’ll definitely regret later on.  If we really believe that women make valuable contributions in the workforce and society, we can’t be expected to abuse our bodies to fit them into a schedule that ignores what’s physically and emotionally healthy.  We can pretend that periods, or morning sickness, or “mommy brain,“ or breastfeeding, or our home lives don’t exist, but is that actually a successful strategy for getting us paid or treated equitably?

     

    I hope I don’t scare off any future employers by posting this.  They might be grossed out by periods, too.  But I feel confident knowing that I do good work, my body helps me stay alive to do that work (among other things), and shutting up about what really affects us doesn’t help.  That’s why I made my documentary, because I honestly believe that shutting up doesn’t help.

     

     

     

    14AUG
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    Guest Post: Behind the kit! by Outreach Team member Angela Cocchiarella

    Posted in: Uncategorized

    When I started interning for Melissa, I was most excited about the Subjectified discussion kit: a fun package containing a copy of the Subjectified DVD to watch together, a conversation guide to make a chat among your friends fun and free-flowing (even if you’re intimidated about broaching the topic of sex), as well as other goodies. Having moved to New York from Gainesville, FL, a town of 125,000 people, about 50,000 of which are college students, I had become accustomed to a liberal and local scene. Small businesses and porch talk move mountains in that town, and I was excited to get back to those ideals in a city which is notoriously daunting. I am thrilled to work on the distribution of a project that is so important, in a way that is so unique and potentially game-changing. The discussion kit gives girls and women, and anyone who supports free speech and open minds, the opportunity to learn more about the women around them and, especially, themselves. The discussion kit helps unpack some of the complex topics addressed with its hosting guide and interactive discussion activities, making the whole process inviting and entertaining, and allowing us the opportunity to continue telling our own stories.

    I watched the documentary for the first time at home with my roommate. We had been discussing the topics alongside the women on the screen for nearly twenty minutes when my roommate asked, “Who are these women? Why should I care about their stories?” I think I only really realized in that moment that my roommate, like all of us at some point or other, expected to be entertained by outlandish stories from sensationalized caricatures, rather than the experiences of women we could have met on the street, or in class, or at work. These were stories we all have- our first kiss, the time we made a difficult decision about our bodies, and the partners we share them with. Sometimes the women seem totally typical, even mundane, and sometimes they strike you with an honesty that renders them completely unique. I realized then it wasn’t so much the particular stories themselves that struck me as important, as most of them were akin to conversations I’d had on porches with friends so many times before. They were important because they had finally been liberated from the gabbing of those porches. They are important in their own right, pillars of a history that incorporates and validates the experiences of women, one we will build for ourselves, which one day may very well overshadow the nameless banshees of mass media that at some point became the templates for our own self-images.

    Rather than attempt to force a singular narrative on the depiction of female sexuality, the documentary dismantles the solitary and exclusive concept of a unified truth and lets each woman speak for herself.

    And this discussion kit invites and encourages you to be just as candid about your own experiences.  The guide helps facilitate open conversations about the topics touched on in the documentary: sex, in the broadest sense, encompassing personal experience as well as sex ed, health, identity, and upbringing. Sometimes it’s difficult enough being honest with yourself about your own conceptions of sex and sexuality, so that having honest conversations with others can seem impossible. Sometimes even knowing where to begin is too intimidating, stopping the conversation before it even starts. It’s one thing to joke about sex; it is quite another to talk openly about your own sexuality- but games make everything a little easier!  We’ve put in countless hours to making a kit that can create valuable experiences for lots of different people:  book clubs, parents, Sororities, and groups of high school friends, to name just a few.  I hope you’ll check it out!

     

     

    3AUG
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    Women: Why Don’t They Shut Up Already?

    Posted in: Uncategorized
    Tags: Gaslighting, Healthcare, Lisa Brown, Obamacare, Sandra Fluke, Silencing, Women's Health

    Should women be allowed to talk? What’s at stake when stories are silenced

     

    The following is an excerpt from something that I wrote in March but did not publish for a number of reasons.  I was content to tuck it away because it feels political in a manner that I try not to associate with Subjectified, which I hope can resist political boundaries.  But with the recent rehashing of a story of a woman’s silencing in government (in this case an actual State Representative in Michigan, on the floor of the state House no less), I decided to dredge it up.  This issue is not about Democrats or Republicans, although it’s common for both sides to portray it that way for self-serving purposes.  It has to do with whose voices we value and those who we would prefer to push aside.  Sadly, most women I know are intimately familiar with the experience of being shut up when our points of view are destabilizing, when we are “too emotional”, or simply when including our voices is inconvenient (see the nagging sitcom wife cliche).  Yashar Ali wrote a compelling blog post expanding the concept of of “gaslighting”, shutting someone up by preemptively dismissing that person’s point of view as over-sensitive.  This is cruel and combative in personal life.  When it’s done in government, it’s repressive and sometimes illegal.  -Melissa

     

    March 2012

    Before Rush Limbaugh’s most recent outburst, before Sandra Fluke, there was a Congressional hearing set up by the Republican majority on the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee to discuss concerns about the Obama administration’s healthcare program. The issue on the table, nominally, was whether religious employers would be required to cover women’s birth control, responding to outcry from religious employers opposed to supporting contraception.  The Administration proposed a compromise that satisfied many concerned religious groups, including the Catholic Health Association, one of the policy’s early influential detractors.  Should religious employers be made to offer birth control, against their (legally protected) doctrines, when it conflicts with the interests and rights of women? That’s a tough question, one worthy of debate, study, and compassionate consideration.  It is not, however, the question that the hearing set about to address. It is not what started the firestorm.  That question, brought into such stark relief by the Committee, is whether women are essential voices to recognize when talking about women’s experiences.  In discussing an issue that affects women primarily, do we need to consult women at all?

     

    GAG ORDER?

    How can you tell when you’re being silenced? It’s obvious when someone tells you to shut up, deletes your comments, or strikes your testimony from the record, but less obvious when there’s no decisive action, just a nagging feeling of exclusion.  Just a reminder, only 17% of members of Congress are women.  We know that women’s voices are numerically underrepresented in politics, but we don’t often have the luxury of a a direct personal attack by Rush Limbaugh to let us know when our presence is unwanted.

    In the course of everyday life, it’s hard to spot a lack of something, since a lack doesn’t advertise itself.  This is even more pronounced in the over-crowded information channel of politics and news coverage.   You can’t hear a silence in the room full of yelling.  So why should the Chairperson of the committee holding hearings on the birth control rule have cared that there were no women testifying on the issue? His defense? That the hearing was about the effects of the policy on religious organizations, not its effects on women.  The policy, however, affects two parties, only one of which was invited to give testimony.  Feminism continues to be a bad word among most young women, and to be sure it has its contradictions and infighting.  But its greatest contribution remains crucial and desperately needed: shining light on untold stories.   Even in 2012, it remains shockingly true that women’s stories continue to be ignored and unconsidered.

    Briefly, this is what happened in Congress.  The majority (Republican) party brought forward five (male) witnesses to argue against the policy over a three hour session.  Typically, the minority (Democratic) party should have been able to offer at least one dissenting voice in testimony. Breaking with precedent, the Chairperson, Rep. Darrell Issa, rejected the Democrats’ witness on the flimsy grounds that she had not been presented early enough for proper vetting, and that, based on a google search, she was deemed merely a “college student who appears to have become energized over this issue,” without any useful credentials to address the topic at hand, no matter that the witness is a student at a Catholic University, where policies on birth control coverage impact thousands of sexually active college students.  Rep.  Eleanor Holmes Norton, a Democrat who walked out of the hearing in protest of the proceedings and the lack of women’s voices, noted that ”in Congress more than 20 years…I have never seen a minority witness excluded.”  The silenced witness, Sandra Fluke, a 31-year-old third-year Georgetown Law student and seasoned advocate, put it best, “I can’t think whose voices would be more appropriate than the women who are affected by this policy.”

    The women affected by this policy, employees and students of religious organizations, do not necessarily have expert resumes to wow Congress (as if that were truly a requirement for testifying–it’s not).  To prevent current college students from advocating for themselves because they lack a degree is strictly absurd.  In the case of Ms. Fluke, a college degree, years working on this issue, and an impressive CV did not prove compelling enough credentials.  Does a lack of degree mean that those affected can’t speak for themselves?  What happens when we’re not allowed to speak for ourselves?  In the political arena, where agendas are well-lobbied and power plays machinated, it means that there are plenty of other people ready to speak for us.

    The stridency of the Congressmen preventing women’s testimony on birth control coverage reveals at once a deep contempt for women,  as well as a deep insecurity.  What will happen if women are able to share their stories?  People might start to care, and not the people whom Rep.  Issa intended to “energize” through the politically inflammatory hearings.   Right now, the healthcare “debate” isn’t addressing any of the legitimate concerns about healthcare policy.   Will the healthcare bill infringe on people’s personal rights?  Will it turn into a giveaway to the healthcare insurance industry?  Many have noted that birth control is a red herring, an issue of concern only to a vocal minority, but used as a weapon in “culture wars” against the Administration. The media hasn’t helped much, either, with coverage of any continued conversation about healthcare remaining shallow and partisan.

    Let’s look at who’s still talking.   Even in this protracted controversy about the exclusion of women from the conversation, quotes by Rush Limbaugh and Darryl Issa dominated the coverage.   It’s still a matter of cruel, dismissive men being given a megaphone to share their corrosive streams of consciousness.  Have the stories that were quashed managed to poke into the conversation?  Not much.  Sandra Fluke has become a symbol of the controversy, more in name than in content.  She was eventually was able to tell the heartbreaking report that she was initially invited to recount: a story of one woman losing her ability to bear children because of her University’s policy against covering birth control pills, the only treatment for her particular condition.  Rush Limbaugh, and the Democratic backlash against him have both hogged much bigger headlines than the voices of the women who walked out of Congress, or the woman who was silenced in Congress to begin with.

     

    WHEN STORIES BECOME LAW

    The hearings, fascinatingly entitled “Lines Crossed: Separation of Church and State,” were intended to address the religious institutions affected by the law.  These institutions should be represented and their interests discussed.  That’s what legitimately tricky about this debate, weighing the rights of religious institutions versus the rights of the affected women.  But in order to weigh the apparently conflicting rights of two groups, we need to hear from two groups.  What should be perfectly clear is who has a right to be heard.

    I believe in religious freedom, a key component of our democracy.  I’m interested in arguments about how healthcare intersects with religious freedom.  In fact, the current birth control compromise is evidence of that ongoing discussion.  The groups opposing the birth control coverage are increasingly narrow, as more and more organizations are satisfied by the Administration’s commitment to compromise.  And I believe that the men in Darrell Issa’s panel should be heard.  As millions of American women know, health insurers are not famous for having our interests in mind either, so a healthy debate on objections to blindly following the received standard of care is certainly welcome.

    When you look at what’s actually being debated, you find the surprising fact that religious organizations are not being asked to pay for women’s birth-control coverage at all.  Representative Holmes Norton called the birth control coverage policy “one of the best win-win compromises I’ve seen since I’ve been in Congress…these religiously affiliated institutions do not have to touch or pay one dime for contraceptives…[T]his is the untold story here—that it costs insurers more to withhold contraceptive insurance.  And if you think about it, the reason is that childbirth costs a great deal more than contraception.”

    So, let’s be clear.  Insurance companies want to cover birth control.  Religious institutions can prevent them from doing so at a cost, and women who want to “opt in” to birth control coverage can do so at no additional cost to themselves or the employer.  No religious hospital or university will be forced to pay for a woman’s birth control directly, any more than they already do by contributing to the profits of an insurance company.  So back to this red herring.  With reason exhausted, let’s return to the most obvious interpretation of these hearings, that the entire discussion is a political distraction devised align the Administration with recreational sex, and the Republicans with wholesome anti-sex values.  It’s low-hanging fruit in an election year, and it remains easy unless women make enough noise to remind the country how dull life would be for everyone if we were no longer able to have recreational sex (either inside or outside the confines of marriage).

    The men in question are extremely interested in what goes on in the vaginas of co-eds, which makes me personally feel exposed and disgusted.  I think Rush Limbaugh put it best, “if we’re going to pay for your contraceptives and thus pay for you to have sex, we want something for it.  We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.”  This is not even the statement that he apologized for.  Are the men opposing this policy frustrated by all the sex they didn’t get to have in college with the likes of the Sandra Flukes of the world, good-looking, smart women who know how to stick up for themselves?

    Let’s step out of the realm of personal attacks long enough to look at what’s in the public interest, the questions being pressed but yet avoided.   Should we as a society pay for young people’s birth control?  The answer, matter-of-factly, is that we should pay for it if, as a society, we’d prefer not to pay to raise their unplanned babies.   Every other developed nation does it (even the Catholic ones), and every other developed nation has a lower teen pregnancy rate than the U.S.  Birth control is not a panacea, but let’s not act like its effects are unknown.

    I care about religious freedom, as well as freedom of speech (even Rush Limbaugh’s).  I don’t hate Republicans or love Democrats.  In all of this debate, we’ve lost sight of what we’re actually talking about: nuanced issues that require thought, sensitivity, logical argumentation, and also heart.  In theory, we’re talking about religious freedom versus individual rights—a constitutional issue.  I’m no constitutional law professor, so I can’t speak to that, and neither can Congress.  This is what we have courts for, however imperfect their implementation of justice.

    The debate has forced front-and-center the question of who is eligible to speak for herself, whose story we want to dignify with our attention (and thus compassion).  Is it a coincidence that the religious organizations representing the anti-birth-control-coverage position are all the same religions exclusively led and dominated by men? When my interests and theirs are supposedly at odds, who wins? I am not asking this rhetorically.  But it’s hard to win an argument when you’re not allowed to talk.

    Decisions about women’s well-being are made every day in the open halls of government and the back rooms of health insurance companies.  We’re lucky when they’re made transparently enough that we can voice concerns.  Policy decisions are not based on anecdote, Sandra Fluke’s or anyone else’s, so why should one more testimony bother the Committee?  Stories have a particular power in an election year, when facts can’t be checked in real time during a debate, and the impact of figures are overshadowed by sentiment.  Stories are dangerous.  Darrell Issa believes that this policy is about religious freedom, and as Chairman from the majority, he gets to set all of the talking points.  The minority believes that the policy pertains to women’s access to healthcare, but they get to set agendas and call witnesses only at the caprice of the majority, in this case not at all.  These are two conversations happening simultaneously, ostensibly on the same topic, but speaking in mutually unintelligible languages, a Tower of Babel.  Here we are, arguing over matters of procedure, while stories, our best time-honored tradition for fanning the flames of compassion, are systematically silenced.

     

     

     

    26JUN
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    Organizing a Campus Event: Guest Post by Subjectified Intern Kassandra Lee

    Posted in: Uncategorized

     

    After months of work, the day finally came.  We were having a screening and Director’s question and answer session for Subjectified: Nine Young Women Talk About Sex at my school, Columbia University in New York City.

    As an intern with Melissa, I reached out to various student organizations, academic centers, and campus programs that support the multifaceted goals of the project. We looked for groups that fell under the umbrella of feminist, anti-homophobia, sexual empowerment, anti-violence, and health/wellness.  Depending on how you want to screen it, many different types of campus entities could be involved. We heard back an enthusiastic response from Women’s History Month that they wanted to use Subjectified as a big opening event.

    Women’s History Month is marked every March at Columbia, embodying a different theme every year related to contemporary and historical struggles for gender equality. This year’s theme was “The Xth Wave: Redefining Activism and Engagement in the 21st Century.” The WHM board members thought the documentary would fit in perfectly, showing a new way that women could be involved in representing themselves through media.

    On the night of the event, I walked into the crowded lounge of the dorm. I had seen the film before, but I was really excited to hear what my peers would think. The room was packed, which was especially surprising for a campus event on a Saturday night. People sat in plush armchairs lined up from wall to wall, facing a projector and a stand-up screen.  I saw people I had never seen before standing on the side. I thought I knew everyone at this school who comes to feminist events, but clearly the community, marketing and co-sponsorships had allowed us to reach a larger scope of people. As the film screened, people laughed, expressed concern, and seemed empathetic. I was sitting with my friends who live in Q House (one of our non-monetary co-sponsors) and we all gave each other excited grins whenever one of the interviewees discussed non-heterosexual sex.

    The film wrapped up, and the crowd clapped. We took a short break for snacks.  I mingled and my friends and acquaintances came up to me to congratulate me. I remember one of my friends saying, “I can’t wait to ask the director my question,” and another said, “I wish I could make something like this.” We settled back in our seats for questions. Melissa gave a short introduction and answered the questions she usually gets asked, such as how she chose the women and the interview questions.

    My friends are brilliant and critical, so I was nervous about Melissa fielding the questions. Sometimes I am even intimidated by how active everyone is in critiquing others’ language and presentations. As expected, my friends asked some really difficult questions, but I think Melissa was true to herself and her intentions with the film in her answers. One person asked how she changed throughout the process of making the documentary. Melissa told the crowd that she definitely had to challenge herself to work through her own views and preconceptions of female sexuality as she conducted the interviews. She felt she had learned how to be open and receptive to answers coming from a wide variety of places. I think she showed that she cared about the individual women’s stories. This attention to giving people a voice was at the heart of her project. While they were contextualized in the context of generalized gender inequalities and misrepresentations of female sexuality, Melissa discussed how she wanted to be true to these lives she met for a brief encounter. Other questions touched on power dynamics, interviewing techniques, and strategies for making a grassroots documentary. One of my friends who is a feminist and aspiring filmmaker told me later that she found this portion of the event really useful for her in conceptualizing how she wants to make her own work in the future.

    In evaluating my own emotional reaction, at first, I was sad because what I had just seen reminded me of things I’ve been silent about and the complex hidden world of female sexuality, but I guess this is a first step to moving toward opening up a healing and transformative dialogue on these issues. Listening to the feedback, it sounded like the audience had a similar reaction. One of my friends summed it up well when she said, “that was heavy, but it was real.”

    In order to make such a successful event, we had many campus groups step up to co-sponsor: Radical College Undergrads Not Tolerating Sexism, Men’s Peer Education (a group dedicated to eradicating sexism and gender violence through educating men), Columbia Queer Alliance, and Everyone Allied Against Homophobia. These groups have different agendas and constituencies, but they each found this event significant for their work. My friend from Residential Life also helped by booking space and making sure everything ran smoothly on the day of the event. We also had non-monetary support from many other campus organizations: help with advertising the event and promoting it on campus.  The groups ranged from non-partisan to the radical left. I recognized my friends and fellow student activists who were all interested in hearing the true stories of young women discussing sexuality.

    -Kassy Lee, Spring 2012 Outreach Intern for Subjectified

     

    13JUN
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    The new blog begins

    Posted in: Uncategorized

     

    I hope you’re enjoying our new website!  It’s the culmination of months of planning and designing.  As we make more tools available to different audiences, we hope the site can grow, including posting more video/multimedia resources for your viewing and learning pleasure.  If you have ideas for how you’d like to see Subjectified reaching out to audiences in your area, we’d love to hear from you!

    If you’re looking for the posts from our old site, you can find them here.

    -Melissa

     

    7DEC
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